A Very Messed Up Christmas
by GreenCrayon2000
Summary: It's Christmas in the ER, and everyone's gone mad! PLEASE R&R!!


"A Very Messed Up Christmas"  
By: Green_Crayon2000  
  
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*NOTE: I wrote this during season 6 and I really didnt like ER much back then, so some of it makes no sense LOL. Excuse my mistakes  
  
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DISCLAIMER:  
**I do not own any characters in this story. They are all owned by NBC, Warner Brothers, etc..   
  
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It is December second. Kerry and Peter are in the lounge watching the Barney Christmas special   
  
KERRY: Hey Peter, did you get me my Christmas present yet?   
PETER: Ya Kerry, but you can't have it until Christmas  
KERRY: But Peter, today IS Christmas  
PETER: It is? Well in that case  
  
(Runs from the lounge and hits into Carol)   
  
CAROL: hey watch it! I'm pregnant here!  
PETER: Again? Man Carol, couldn't you wait for Doug to come back?  
CAROL: What do you mean?  
PETER: You already had your twins..  
CAROL: I did? Wow, cool! Oops! I left them in the car! Oh well  
PETER: Hey, have you seen the big stuffed Teletubby I had on the admit desk today?  
CAROL: Was it red?  
PETER: I don't know. I think so  
CAROL: Ya, I think Lucy signed it up as a patient  
PETER: Oh man! What room is it in?  
CAROL: They took it to Trauma Room one. It wasn't breathing  
PETER: Oh no! Did they fix it?  
CAROL: (Shrugs) I don't know  
  
(Peter runs to the Trauma Room, where the red tellytubby is laid on the table with a bunch of surgeons around it)   
  
ELIZABETH: Oh my god! The stuffing is coming out! Quick get me the sewing needle! (She quickly sews it up)  
ELIZABETH: Quick! There is no line AT ALL! Get me the paddles! (Rubs them together) Charging 300 CLEAR! Nothing! Come on! Charging 500 CLEAR!  
  
(Nothing happens)  
  
ELIZABETH: Oh damn. Time of death 14:12  
PETER: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO   
  
(Back in the Lounge. Peter comes back to Kerry crying)   
  
PETER: Your Christmas present died  
KERRY: What? What was it?  
PETER: A big red stuffed tellytubby  
KERRY: RED! I love the red! (Crawls over to peter and hugs him as they cry together)  
  
(Cafeteria)   
  
CARTER: Yummy, my favorite. Yellow salami (He takes a bunch and a carton on expired milk)   
LUCY: How many days until Christmas?  
CARTER: Exactly 7 days  
LUCY: Its December Second already? I better go Christmas shopping  
CARTER: hey! Carol would love this brown Jell-O! It's even got some blood on it!  
LUCY: Good idea. Hey cafeteria lady, do you giftwrap?  
LUNCHLADY: Ya, five bucks for bologna wrap and seven for peanut butter  
LUCY: ooh! But I can't spend TOO much on her. I'll take the Bologna  
LUNCHLADY: OK that will be 3 dollars  
LUCY: hey! You're cheating me! You said five!  
LUNCHLADY: Take it or leave it  
LUCY: You're a rip-off, I'll leave it (Grabs Jell-O) Come on Carter  
  
(Carols House)  
  
CAROL: Oh Doug I hate you!  
  
(She jumps on the couch and starts sobbing. The phone then rings)  
  
CAROL: Hello?  
LUKA: Hi Carol. Would you like to come over for dinner tonight?  
CAROL: Sure Luka! Can we have fried lemons and French-fries again?  
LUKA: Anything for you my sweetie  
CAROL: Yay! Hey guess what Luka? I'm having a Christmas party next week!  
LUKA: Really? Can I come?  
CAROL: Yeah, bring lots of chocolate. I need to get fatter so Doug will hate me  
LUKA: OK, sure honey. Hey where are Fibulator One and Fibulator 2?  
CAROL: Who? Oh yeah our kids. I think I left them on the train again. Oh well. See you tonight  
LUKA: Bye baby  
  
(Hang up phones)   
  
(Back in the ER. It is 10:18 PM)   
  
LUCY: We wish you a merry Christmas, we wish you a merry Christmas, we..Hey how come Carol didn't invite ME to her Christmas party?  
KERRY: Take a guess  
LUCY: Hey!  
KERRY: Carol is so nice to me now! Just because I made Doug leave so she could have an affair with Luka  
LUCY: Hey when did Elaine leave? CARTER: When I told the fifty-year old to take a hike. Oh Lucy! I love you so much!  
  
(Carter and Lucy start kissing right in the middle of the ER)  
  
KERRY: No fair! Where did Bob go?  
  
(Wanders off in search of Bob)  
  
PETER: I'm having a funeral tomorrow. Everyone can come   
PATIENT: Who died?  
PETER: The, the, red tellytubbie…WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  
  
(Starts crying)  
  
LUCY: (Stops kissing Carter) The red tellytubbie? Isn't that the gay one?  
CARTER: No, I think it's the green one  
PETER: AHHHHHH  
CARTER: Peter! Shut up! Hey where is Reese?  
PETER: Carol said she would baby-sit them  
KERRIE: (Walking back in) Oh Carol is so reliable! I want kids just to leave them with Carol!  
  
(They all nod in agreement)  
  
(At Lukas Boat)  
  
CAROL: Oh Luka! You made me fried lemons! What about the French-fries?  
LUKA: I made an alternate. All the escargots you can eat!  
CAROL: oh, yummy! Hey Luka? How did your lamp get over here?  
LUKA: I forgot the super glue  
CAROL: That was super glue? I thought it was shampoo!  
  
(Carol eyes her hair, which is super glued in a ponytail on the top of her head)  
  
LUKA: Carol that is SO unattractive!  
CAROL: Have you been watching Daria? You sound like Sandy  
LUKA: (Gets on the floor and starts to bark)  
CAROL: Luka! Like whatever!  
  
(You hear the Daria music in the background)  
  
BOTH: Oh yay! My favorites show!  
  
(The sit in front of the TV eating dinner)  
  
(Next Day, ER)  
  
(Elizabeth and a bunch of doctors come rushing in with a gurney)  
  
ELIZABETH: Quick! Set up Trauma One!   
CAROL: Why?  
ELIZABETH: I don't know. I love saying that  
CAROL: What's with the gurney?  
ELIZABETH: (Eyes the gurney) Oh, just some dead guy I hit with my car. No biggy  
CAROL: Cool! HEY GUYS! NEW HOSPITAL RECORD!  
  
(Carol runs over to the microphone used for the loudspeaker in the hospital)  
  
CAROL (Into microphone): New Hospital Record for most people to be hit by a worker here at, um, whatever hospital this is. It belongs to ELIZABETH WEAVER! She has hit a total of 34 people in the past 2 weeks. Congratulations Elizabeth!  
  
(You hear clapping and cheering)  
  
ELIZABETH: My name is Elizabeth CORDAY!  
CAROL: Whatever  
  
(December 21, Carols House)   
  
CAROL: Yay! My Christmas party is going to start in an hour!  
  
(She hears knock on door)  
  
CAROL: First guest! Maybe its Luka! (At the thought of him she dashes to the door, and opens it to find Doug)  
CAROL: Doug! (Slams door shut in his face)  
CAROL: There goes my party!  
  
(Doug opens the door and walks over to Carol)  
  
DOUG: My baby! Where are my twins (kisses Carol)?  
CAROL: Yuck that was sickening  
DOUG: Excuse me?  
CAROL: I want my Luka!  
DOUG: Who the   
CAROL: Don't say that, word Doug it's bad for your health!  
DOUG: heck is Luka?  
CAROL: (Dreamily) who is he? Oh where do I start?  
DOUG: Oh. Well where are my babies?  
CAROL: I think I left them in the car  
DOUG: Carol, you don't have a car!  
CAROL: (Suddenly realizing this is the first person to inform her about this) I don't?  
DOUG: No!  
CAROL: Maybe it was the train then. I don't know  
DOUG: Carol!   
  
(You hear cries in the bedroom)  
  
CAROL: Oh there they are! The names are Kerry Martine and Shirley Temple Vodka  
DOUG: Were you drunk when you named them?  
CAROL: No, I was dreaming about drinking  
DOUG: Where did Kerry come from?  
CAROL: Kerry is SO nice, she made, um, oops  
DOUG: What?  
CAROL: Hey Doug, I didn't invite you to my Christmas Party!  
DOUG: You didn't?   
CAROL: No, but I'll take your present anyway  
DOUG: Ok, here you go  
  
(Hands her a package wrapped in gold foil)  
  
CAROL: Thanks! Oh 3 tickets to the Jerry Springer show!   
DOUG: Yeah, one for me, one for you, and one for  
CAROL: Luka!  
DOUG: Ok, well see you tomorrow  
CAROL: Bye Douglas  
  
(Doug Leaves)  
  
(ER, 10:00 PM)   
  
LUCY: I can't wait for Carol's party!  
KERRY: Me either! Hey I thought she didn't invite you LUCY: Well she did  
KERRY: OK, well my shift is over. Oh no! I didn't get her a present! Quick which way to the operating room?  
LUCY: Um, right? No, left! Oh wait. Oh forget it!  
  
(Leaves)  
  
(10:30 PM, Carols party has begun. Everyone is there; eating Santa shaped cookies from the year before and drinking a bunch of rum)  
  
CARTER: 99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer, if one of those bottles happens to fall, 67 bottles of beer on the wall!  
EVERYONE: 67 bottles of beer on the wall, 67 bottles of beer, if one of those bottles happens to fall, no more bottles of beer on the wall!  
  
(Cheer)  
  
CAROL: Ok, time for Spin the Bottle!  
LUCY: Can I kiss Peter?  
CARTER: Hey kiss me!  
  
(Start to kiss again as Carol spins the bottle)  
  
PETER: Yay it landed on me!  
CAROL: Look, flying chicken bones!  
  
(Everyone quickly looks as Carol turns the bottle toward Luka)  
  
KERRY: There was no chicken!  
LUKA: Hey! The bottle magically landed on me!  
  
(Luka and Carol start kissing)  
  
LUCY: I want to sing Christmas Carols!  
CAROL: Ok lets sing! Carol, Carol, Carol, Carol  
ELIZABETH: Hey Carol shut up!  
LUCY: We wish you a merry Christmas we wish you  
PETER: THE LITTLE DRUMMER BOY!  
CHUNY: Hey! What about 'We Three Kings'?  
DOUG (Bursting in): Who called me?  
CHUNY: We three kings of Orient are, tried to smoke a rubber cigar, it was loaded it exploded  
DOUG: I'm the best king!  
CAROL: (Punches Doug in the nose) Take that traitor! Hey lets open presents!   
  
(The whole room is full of people screaming and yelling at each other)  
  
CAROL: (Sighs) I love Christmas   
  
(Next Day on Jerry Springer)   
  
JERRY SPRINGER: Today we have paternity test to find out  
  
(Entire ER Cast comes charging out screaming JERRY! JERRY!)  
  
JERRY SPRINGER: Ok, who has the kids?  
CAROL: I think I do, oh yeah. Luka where are the kids?  
LUKA: I gave them to Doug  
DOUG: I gave them to Jerry  
JERRY SPRINGER: Oh those are yours. OK, what are there names?  
CAROL: Kool-Aid and Powdered Milk  
LUKA: Yesterday you said they were Luka Jr. and Luka III  
CAROL: Whatever  
JERRY SPRINGER: And you want to see if these children are Lukas or Doug's?  
CAROL: Yes  
JERRY SPRINGER: Well the results are back and the biological father is….John Carter?  
CARTER: Oops  
  
(Doug, Lucy and Luka attack Carter)  
  
CAROL: What about the baby I'm pregnant with now?  
JERRY SPRINGER: Luka  
LUKA: Yay!  
DOUG: Yay!  
LUCY: Yay! How about me?  
JERRY SPRINGER: Carter and Doug's babies!  
LUCY: Cool!   
  
(Christmas Day, Lukas Boat)   
  
LUKA: Hey what are we going to name our baby?  
CAROL: How about George Forman?  
LUKA: And a girl?  
CAROL: I like Snot Pigtails  
LUKA: Perfect  
  
(Luka kisses Carol and they sit by the Christmas Tree as the screen goes black)   
  
CREDITS ROLL   



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